Meditation
I can't handle silence. That's something that I learned today, when I tried meditation.
I've been aware that I don't like silence, I just hadn't thought much about why.
If I'm home by myself, I need to have the radio or TV on for some background noise. I can't just be with myself and keep quiet.
Most days I go for a short jog, because it's good for me. But it disturbs me to be out there jogging in silence. In fact, every time I prepare to go jogging I really wish I had a Walkman or something to take with me. I did actually announce once that I was going to get one, but my husband didn't think it was a good idea, and pointed out that an important part of jogging is to be out there in the nature, with just the peaceful sounds of waves and birds.
So I do go jogging and listen to the nature, and the interesting thing is, by the time I get home I feel really good. It's like I've been thinking about my problems and they've become more clear.
And that's the whole point. I think the reason I can't handle silence is because I'm scared that I'll have to face my thoughts - and at the moment my thoughts are, "oh my god I've got this disease and I don't know how to cope with it".
Bad. Sad. Pathetic I know. And I only realised this today when I tried to meditate. You see, I so desperately want to get to the point where I'm feeling positive - and I keep trying different things to try to get to that point. Today it was meditation. I sat in a comfortable place, cleared my mind, closed my eyes and just silently visited my inner self.
My inner self was horrible and I burst into tears. The truth is my body is contaminated by an incurable virus. It's in my blood, and the blood flows to every corner of my entire body.
I know meditation is supposed to bring you inner peace, but I don't think I can go back there.
I've been aware that I don't like silence, I just hadn't thought much about why.
If I'm home by myself, I need to have the radio or TV on for some background noise. I can't just be with myself and keep quiet.
Most days I go for a short jog, because it's good for me. But it disturbs me to be out there jogging in silence. In fact, every time I prepare to go jogging I really wish I had a Walkman or something to take with me. I did actually announce once that I was going to get one, but my husband didn't think it was a good idea, and pointed out that an important part of jogging is to be out there in the nature, with just the peaceful sounds of waves and birds.
So I do go jogging and listen to the nature, and the interesting thing is, by the time I get home I feel really good. It's like I've been thinking about my problems and they've become more clear.
And that's the whole point. I think the reason I can't handle silence is because I'm scared that I'll have to face my thoughts - and at the moment my thoughts are, "oh my god I've got this disease and I don't know how to cope with it".
Bad. Sad. Pathetic I know. And I only realised this today when I tried to meditate. You see, I so desperately want to get to the point where I'm feeling positive - and I keep trying different things to try to get to that point. Today it was meditation. I sat in a comfortable place, cleared my mind, closed my eyes and just silently visited my inner self.
My inner self was horrible and I burst into tears. The truth is my body is contaminated by an incurable virus. It's in my blood, and the blood flows to every corner of my entire body.
I know meditation is supposed to bring you inner peace, but I don't think I can go back there.
posted by Filosofette at 2:57 pm
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