Friday, May 05, 2006

Finished Treatment & Feeling so Happy/Sad/Happy/Sad...

Three days ago I took my last little pill, and felt absolutely euphoric. Such a relief to not have to take those pills any more, and especially not have to have those injections any more!! Yay - I did it!
Three days later I'm still happy about it, of course, but now there's this disturbing feeling of doubt that's starting to creep in. Like... what if the virus comes back? And... why isn't the fatigue going away? And especially... what does my future hold? I bet these are all common issues upon finishing, because you fool yourself into thinking the end of treatment means life's going to change instantly, just like magic.
It has changed in one way - I don't have to remember to take those pills twice a day, and I don't have to dread injection day any more. But the fatigue hasn't suddenly stopped. Neither has the moodiness.
Actually, I thought it had. I thought I was suddenly a happier person about two seconds after taking my last pill. But no, that was just a momentary mind-celebration.
What I'm going to do to counteract the feelings of self-doubt is make myself a plan for the future. Something new and challenging that I haven't done before, to celebrate the new me. Of course, I'll need to balance that with not pushing myself too hard while I'm still weak. My body and mind have been through a lot, and there's going to be a certain recovery period needed.
But having something to look forward to should help keep the doubts at bay. Perhaps first of all I'll just make a plan on paper from the comfort of my couch. Then, as I feel stronger, I can begin to act on my plan.
There's no doubt that having hope for the future is great therapy.