Finding Out More

Yesterday some interesting stuff arrived in the mail. It was the results of a blood test telling me which genotype of the Hepatitis C virus I have, and also the viral level.
I don’t understand either of these things properly yet, but have started researching them on the Internet, which is the only way I figure any of this stuff out.
My genotype is 3a. I researched that, and what I found out is that this genotype responds to the traditional treatment of Inferon/Ribavin with a better success rate than other genotypes. That poses a couple of questions. Firstly, I wonder if this genotype has less dramatic symptoms than others do, which would explain why I haven’t noticed too many (the only symptoms I’ve noticed are diarrhoea and fatigue). Secondly, should I be considering treatment after all? It would still take a lot of convincing to get me to go through with the treatment, but if it’s true that because of my genotype I may have a 75% chance of getting rid of this disease, then it’s rather tempting to look into it further.
Next, my “Hepatitis C Virus RNA Amplification”. In other words, the level of virus that’s in my blood. I think that’s what it means, anyway. It’s pretty hard to understand all this stuff and it normally becomes clearer, little bit by little bit, the more I search the Internet.
Anyway, mine’s “strong positive”, which, according to the printout, means over 90% viraemic. Which I’m translating to mean I’m 90% contaminated.
Now the question is, would I still be a good candidate for treatment when I’m so contaminated?
So the next step is to hit the Internet and search for the answers to those questions.
This would certainly be a hell of a lot harder without the Internet.

Meditation

I can't handle silence. That's something that I learned today, when I tried meditation.
I've been aware that I don't like silence, I just hadn't thought much about why.
If I'm home by myself, I need to have the radio or TV on for some background noise. I can't just be with myself and keep quiet.
Most days I go for a short jog, because it's good for me. But it disturbs me to be out there jogging in silence. In fact, every time I prepare to go jogging I really wish I had a Walkman or something to take with me. I did actually announce once that I was going to get one, but my husband didn't think it was a good idea, and pointed out that an important part of jogging is to be out there in the nature, with just the peaceful sounds of waves and birds.
So I do go jogging and listen to the nature, and the interesting thing is, by the time I get home I feel really good. It's like I've been thinking about my problems and they've become more clear.
And that's the whole point. I think the reason I can't handle silence is because I'm scared that I'll have to face my thoughts - and at the moment my thoughts are, "oh my god I've got this disease and I don't know how to cope with it".
Bad. Sad. Pathetic I know. And I only realised this today when I tried to meditate. You see, I so desperately want to get to the point where I'm feeling positive - and I keep trying different things to try to get to that point. Today it was meditation. I sat in a comfortable place, cleared my mind, closed my eyes and just silently visited my inner self.
My inner self was horrible and I burst into tears. The truth is my body is contaminated by an incurable virus. It's in my blood, and the blood flows to every corner of my entire body.
I know meditation is supposed to bring you inner peace, but I don't think I can go back there.

My Wonderful Liver - Hepatitis C & Me

My Wonderful Liver - Hepatitis C & Me

Check out this site from a guy who has Hep C, it's really interesting. And it's a good example of why I have chosen not to have medical treatment.

Feeling Sorry for Myself

I guess one way to get over feeling sorry for yourself is to encounter someone else who is worse off than you are.
I was just watching an interview on TV, with a girl who had her arm bitten off by a shark. The inspiring thing about her was that she seemed incredibly unfazed! She was just smiling and laughing and telling her story, and was carrying on her life as normal.
I know that her problem is completely different to mine, but it was so inspiring to me. The main thing I’ve been having trouble coming to grips with is the fact that my disease is here for the rest of my life. That girl’s missing arm, well heck, that’s a big thing to have missing for the rest of your life. And she was just totally rolling with it. That’s a cool thing about being a kid (she was 13) – you just accept a lot of bad stuff without thinking too hard about it.
But, hey, being 34 doesn’t give me permission to wallow in self-pity.

Bags Under My Eyes

Bags have started to appear under my eyes. I just happened to catch myself in the mirror the other day, and was shocked. I've never had bags under my eyes before.
It must be the stress. Damn this disease and the stress and worry that comes with it. Bags under the eyes, lines on the face...
Is it shallow to be angry at a disease for ruining my looks?
I don't know. I'm just having trouble dealing with the whole thing. Some days are OK, some are bad.
The bad days consist of guilt, fear, shame, worry, and just this overwhelming frustration that I can't get over it and think positively.
So it's not only the disease I'm worried about, but also the fact that I can't get positive - and I know that being positive is so important for being well.
Oh, man. I wish I knew what to do.

I Have Hepatitis C

The purpose of this Blog is... well... it has two purposes. Firstly, it's a place for me to write about how I'm feeling. Hopefully that will help me sort out my own feelings. Things have been pretty confused in my head since I received the bad news a few months ago. My thoughts have been swinging between positive and strong, and depressed and terrified.
The second purpose is to hopefully find other people that are in my shoes.
My situation is this: I'm a 34-year old woman, recently married, planning children. I donated blood in November 2003, and in February 2004 I got a letter in the mail saying my blood had been rejected, and I later found out it was because I had the Hepatitis C Virus.
I won't be trying the only known cure for HepC(the old Interferon/Ribavin thingy) because it has a very low possiblity of working and just sounds like an incredibly unhealthy way to treat your body.
So I've decided to live with the virus, and look after myself as best as I can by eating well, exercising regularly and being positive.
Even though I have a wonderfully supportive husband, I don't know anyone else in my situation, and so I feel rather scared and alone. I truly hope that someone reading this will make a comment on my Blog, saying that they are in a similar situation, and we can share what we know.